In Regards to Christmas Wishes...

   As some of you may know, today I helped our dearest friend Santa Clause in his diligent pursuit to spread love to all children around the world. He is a very busy man and is unable to visit the children everywhere so he seeks out the help of a large group of volunteers who are willing to help him. Today I was one of his volunteers who donned a beard and hat to help learn what the children want and need. As I am performing my duty a family came up to me and waited their turn. When I saw them I first noted that their clothes were not of the greatest make and their coats seemed old. I knew immediately that this was a family who was struggling to make ends meet. I brought their first child up on my lap and listened as he told me what it was he wanted for Christmas. It was just a ball, some toys and clothes; a typical request. Then the middle child, a daughter, came up on my lap. She had a dirty face and big brown eyes. I asked her what she would like for Christmas and she was hesitant at first but then replied that she would like a baby doll, some clothes and her grandma back from heaven. When I heard her say this and looked into her big brown eyes I started and had difficulties continuing my routine. I answered that Santa would do his best to get her all that she wanted, but that things may be difficult with her grandma. Upon further thought I realize that I should have explained to her what happened in a way that would be easy to understand. I could have:
1. Explained to her that her grandma was in a retirement home for old people and that she wasn't able to visit her until she herself had gotten very old.
2. Explained that her grandmother could not come back to her because she was with God now and God had special work for her to do.
3. Explained that her grandma had taken the wrong train and the next train coming back wasn't for a very long time.
I should have:
1. Explained that I would try but would have to consult her grandma first. Explained that she had gone to a place where she could be with her always. That her grandma loved her and was always watching over her like she loved to do before she went. That her grandma wanted to be with her but would be able to watch over her better while above her and so that is probably where she would stay. I could have told her that you could talk with her whenever she wanted and that her grandma was listening.
However instead of telling her the things that would have made her feel better I just instilled her with a false hope. It wasn't intentional and I wasn't being malicious but my accident may cause that poor little girl's faith in Santa Clause to be shaken.

I am very attatched to this subject because the exact same thing happened to me when I was 8. My great grandmother, who had basically raised me, fell extremely ill during the Thanksgiving holiday and perished several days later to a series of very large cancerous tumors. That year, the only thing that I asked from Santa Clause, and God, was for my dear Great Grandmother to be able to come back to me. For that year and the next two I wished for the same thing but Santa would not have it and my grandma never came back. As I pondered this tonight I realized that it has been a little over ten years since she passed. Time really has flown and yet the memories are so very vivid; I remember that I carried a wallet sized picture of my grandma in a small golden desk top picture frame for the next year after she died. I still have that picture, though it did not accompany me to college. Instead it stayed home where it would be safe.

No child should have to lose a grandparent or parent though I have to say that probably three quarters of the people out there have probably made a similar Christmas wish at least once when they were a child, whether it be for an aunt, uncle, father, mother, grandma, grandpa or sibling. My heart goes out to all of you who have made this wish in the darkest corners of your mind. You are far from alone although it took the big brown eyes of another 6 or 7 year old to remind me of mine.

In regards to the "professional" work place...

When I started working at K mart I expressed to them the fact that I am a college student who is engaged and will be needing more hours so that he can help to pay for a wedding. I made this knowledge very clear to them right at the beginning. They started me out working at about twenty hours a week. I expressed to them that I needed more because I was only barely making ends meet with those funds. They complied and I started to work about 26 hours a week on average. This was acceptable but still not what I was wanting. We are planning on having a big wedding and saving $50 a month is not going to be able to make that happen, especially with Christmas coming on. They continuously told me that I would be getting more hours as soon as the holiday season had begun (after Halloweeen). I did not see those hours until the week of Thanksgiving. During that week I finally recieved the hours I had been expecting. I believed I worked a total of 36 hours for the week. It was fantastic; I had an eight hour shift on Thanksgiving day (at time and a half) and then 9 hour shifts for the next three days. Then the week after's schedule hit and I got two shifts. A grand total of twelve hours. Then the upcoming week's schedule was finally posted (on last thursday [3 days befor the schedule starts] I must point out) and I only recieved one shift. I was enraged and very upset, to say the least. This "professional" work place has lied to me for the last 4 months and I'm sick and tired of it. I am using all of the willpower I have to stop myself from walking out during a shift or just not showing up. I go to work and work my tail off for a measly minimum wage when I am expeceted to do $10 an hour work. It is upsetting and I have had enough. Because my next two checks are going to be so small I am going to have to make some serious sacrifices this Christmas and not be able to give the gifts like I normally would like to. If you only get a card or packet of hot co-coa now you know why. Needless to say I am done with K mart. I have put in my resume in several locations to work in specialized work for pay that I deserve. If I have to I will work at the call center; which is supposed to be very awful.

In conclusion all I really have to say is **** you K mart!!!!

In regards to the fragilness of life...

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had since I came to college. I spent the whole day with the love of my life and having a lot of fun. It was just a nice relaxing day at home with almost no worries. Then when I came back to my room at about midnight I went to check on my other girl; my  pet rat Ilene. Ilene is a rat that I adopted before college started. I gave her a home and a family. When I went to check on her and feed her for the evening I picked her up and noticed that she had what looked like blood caked onto her whiskers, paws and around her eyes. I took her to the sink and washed it off. She was being very frail and felt very weak. She didn't seem to be able to stand on her own and has not stood since I found her like that. Courtney did some research and found that it was not blood but just tears that are produced when a rat is under stress or is ill. I put Ilene to bed in a shoe box with a towel and some food. I woke up this morning and checked on her. Some of her tears were back but she seemed to be doing a little bit better. I even got her to eat a little and she peed on me. Bodily functions are good and the lack of them is what should be worrying. I washed her up and kept her in her shoe box with me allmost all day. When I left to go to work she seemed to be sleeping and so I didn't disturb her. I came home and the tears were back. I washed them off but now she is unable to walk or even stop herself from falling over. She wont eat and I had to force some water down her throat which got me nibbled a bit. I held her and her heart rate is so rapid its almost not stopping. I cannot go to a veterinarion for help because I cannot afford the visit. I can't put her out of her misery either because I couldn't bring myself to do it with a knife or other means and do not have access to a gun or seringe. I feel so sorry for this poor creature. She is very ill and I doubt she will make it through the night. This is where I stand right now and this is the context for my following remarks.

Life is fragile. As I illustrated with the story of my family member, you never know when something can suddenly show up and you are potentially spending your final minutes with the person or creature that you love. In every day that you live always live it as though it was your last. Never have regrets because regrets are what make you weep when the loved one passes on. If you always spend the time that you feel is necessary with those that you love then you will not have regrets. Nothing is more important than family is. Not school, not video games, not work, nor a social gathering. If something is happening with your family then be there. I also made this mistake for my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. I was trapped at work and unable to make it home to be with them during that important time. Live life to its fullest and without regret.  Charish every moment you have with those around you. Life comes at you fast and you never know what curve ball will be thrown at you next.

As I say goodbye to the first member of my family with my fiance, I greet with a bittersweet taste this knowledge and share it with you.